The Best Funny Tweets

By John Swindells 18 Mar 2011 | Comment

Here's my compilation of the best humorous tweets I've come across on the web, in descending date order:

@Noddy_Holder (David Holder) on 18 Jan 2011
My f***ing neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning. Can you believe that?! 2:30am! Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums

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@romefort (Johann Romefort) on 23 Dec 2010

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@davidbauer (David Bauer) on 20 Dec 2010
Assange's lawyers are complaining that police reports have leaked to the Guardian. Now read that again. http://tinyurl.com/2f4tqsv

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@ConanOBrien (Conan O'Brien) on 15 Dec 2010
The fear of getting stuck in a chimney is called santaclaustrophobia. I wrote that joke when I was eight, and it still holds up.

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@darthvader (Darth Vader) on 6 Dec 2010
Only 18 days 'till Sithmas. Have you been evil this year?

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@alqaeda (Al-Qaeda) on 1 Dec 2010
Came home to find a blond Australian sitting in my cave. Says he just needs a place to hide for a few days. http://bit.ly/hjvEmD

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@YouAreAGeekWhen (Karina Sant'Ana) on 29 Nov 2010
How many SEO experts does it take to change a light bulb, lightbulb, light,bulb, lamp, lighting, lightswitch, switch, energy... #seo #geeks

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@Pogue (David Pogue) on 27 Nov 2010
I LOVE when people pile onto an Amazon product with hilarious reviews--like this $7000 speaker cable http://amzn.to/g9rU93 (via @frankly)

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@JonMWelch (Jon Welch) on 22 Nov 2010
RT @gavinbarber: Remember that bloke who used to say "Like the Murphy's, I'm not bitter"? I bet he f***ing is now. #bailout

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@philiph (Philip J. Hollenback) on 11 Nov 2010
Ladies if you are looking for no bathroom lines attending a #sysadmin conference is an excellent place to start.

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@tripleox (Mark Hannant) on 3 Nov 2010
RT @CeliaLacy: Go to Google Maps. Click 'Get Directions'. Start: Japan & End: China. Go to direction #43 and have a reet good giggle! :)

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@CeliaLacy (Celia Lacy) on 21 Oct 2010
Brownie quotes from last night: "Swan, is Frikkin' a swearword?" #kidssaythefunniestthings #bqfln

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@PeterGriffinn (Peter Griffin) on 3 Oct 2010
Dear Noah, We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5. Sincerely, Unicorns.

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@badbanana (Tim Siedell) on 1 Oct 2010
Can someone please create an account that automatically puts IN BED at the end of every @DalaiLama tweet? Thanks.

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@juliasegal (Julia Segal) on 28 Sep 2010
If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say,"Help, they've turned me into a parrot", you are wasting everybody's time.

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@alqaeda (Al-Qaeda) on 15 Sep 2010
Just noticed Twitter keeps prompting me to "Add a location to your tweets". Not falling for that one.

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@CatBinLady (Cat Bin Lady) on 26 Aug 2010
If they don't want people to do what I've just done in the gallery, they shouldn't sell pens in the gift shop. Sat on coach now. Bit lonely.

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@Average_Batman (Average Batman) on 13 Aug 2010
Just been playing catch down the park with the little one from Diversity. We dropped him twice but he seemed ok

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@tripleox (Mark Hannant) on 22 Jul 2010
Best pool table ever - http://bit.ly/8X81Lc

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@marcmack (Marc MacKenzie) on 4 Jun 2010
@hayfestival I believe we can build a better world! Of course, it'll take a whole lot of rock, water & dirt. Also, not sure where to put it.

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@awesomeshu (shu) on 3 Mar 2010
Obama Caught lip syncing speech http://onion.com/cHwdIH man if u hv to watch it!

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@donncha (Donncha O Caoimh) on 19 Jun 2009
RT @mrs_bopp: 2 muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames Barrier in London. Police think it may be the start of ram a dam.

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@jmack13 (James Mackay) on 5 May 2009
Why Having Wolverine's Claws Would Suck, (via @frostola @mayhemstudios). Gory yet hilarious. http://digg.com/d1pzhB

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The Best Funny Tweets

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